i only ever fall for those who are unattainable. all desires yearn for that which is intangible. though i always descend, even while knowing. i do not know if i would say it is a helpless act. in fact, i'm sure it is not. i do this because i fear the transpiration of actuality. to say, i fear the loss of my dreaming. i've acknowledged my mania for control. my mother read this in my palm when i was a child, whereby i severely discounted such an accusation. the trait was not yet present in my psyche's recognition, and the foreseen coming had always haunted me. i'm unsure as to why. but at that point i did not understand this word, wholly. i presume i connoted it with abuse--which is an aspect far from my capability. though, now, i translate it properly. it is not an external control, but rather rooted deeply internal. and has intrinsically been the vital component of my entire existence. i will always be a feral entity when entering to this world's collective conception of reality. and for this, i will always descend, even while knowing. because of knowing.