i've never not been able to write about something. though, this, by far, has been the most trying. i've been avoiding writing, reminiscing, dreaming. reality is reigning. her smell lingers. clutching the luggage i've hesitated to unpack. the entire trip seemed to be a film of unsurpassed beauty. and i sincerely wish it had been recorded because the reels of my memory are constantly withering. it was two and a half years of unknowing. it's been one week since parting. 62 days left until reuniting. i miss her. i miss everything.

i remember waking in the morning, rushing to ready. blood attempting to navigate its way within the endless anxiety. i put on a scarf and hurriedly shoved my belongings in the back of a rusty green camero. he passed me the keys, said, "you're driving, kiddo." i adjusted the seat, and we went on our way. the highway was nearly vacant. feeling free as my father handed me slices of grapefruit as pink as the sky in midst of its very own metamorphosis. seeing the airport against the hazy horizon. parking. removing my bags and entering the shuttle full of travelers. we were off. gate C. security check-point. pass. seated. waiting. too nervous for coffee. pen. teddy bear. stand-by clear. window seat. boarding. thumbs trembling the text. see you soon. lift-off. clouds. maps. irrigation. mountains. empty land. little houses. colored roofs. gray skies. turbulence. circular rainbows. shadow. runway. land. phone. four texts. she's on her way. heart pounding. not ready. exit. gate 10. walk. "metro/baggage claim." restroom. mirror. breaths. walk back. illuminated map. call. calm. fright. fancy restaurant. christmas tree. don't see it. walk. stop. turn around. still in security. walk. exit. donut shop. christmas tree. can't do it. she saw me. can't see her. fear. christmas tree. waiting. hiding. where are you? can't do it. calm. descriptions of people passing. father, blue raincoat, son, holding hands. woman, heavy set, brown bags. deep breath. walking. scanning. her energy. spotted. curled inside a silver phone booth. slow motion. walking. her aura. her eyes. her voice. hide. window. reflections. staring. speaking. surreal. not happening. knee touch. hands. embrace. never letting go.

(note: this post will be quite lengthy by the time i'm finished writing about the trip. it took me this long. and for now i must stop here, adding occasionally. i can only do this for so long without too much longing taking hold)

brave women. fumes of poetry. they are not entities, but drugs. dreams. struggling to engulf each other. everything they touch morphs to myth. a blunder of psychic blindness. tender muted telepathy. whisper to me your hidden lust. it is now. it is now. it is how. it is now. my lover. my flower. my mystic poet of desire. i no longer hide you. i no longer hide anything at all. this is not an awakening. this is a slumber of transgressed depth. eternal distortion. eternal daze. eternal embrace. brave women. brave women. my lover. my dream. luminous and warm. gentle. tattered. holy. beat.

insomnia is no good for dreamers...

sweet serendipitous soul, she.

half-life nuclear waste unseen particle beams probe long standing questions. big experiments happening. sociological sees the shift. says, "they would've been fine." hospital stays, heart-failure, electric shocks. her mind going to egypt. within minutes plunging straight into birds. revolution erupt. people tell their stories and report blurry photos in mid-february. but she was planning to return privately. insured to die frequently. opal spirit dew shine violet heart silver spray luna flowing dirt spirit.

funny how alternate fates morph so rapidly. instead of pursing that new blossom, i returned to prune the beautiful bloom that i foolishly left wilting. this past year or so i have been so selfish, and that is most unlike me. in truth i knew her and i would end up together again, always. my intuition does not fail me in that particular predicament. but my mind was too preoccupied. with school. with producing my art. with work. with money. with writing. with time. with wondering if i should test these other luring auras which taunted after me. i was just so young, i am still so young (well, i do not feel mentally/soulfully young, but at least in the scientific sense of the word it is so). but i should've never used my psyche to twist my heart. the thought of eternal terrifies and warms me all at once. but i'm finally ready to cherish her more closely than ever before. sweet darling ethereal beauty. i am sorry for ever parting.