i'm anxious. ravenously anxious. being here is destroying me beyond expression. my soul is yearning so desperately for this. smothering each day that passes from my calendar with the deepest hue of red X's. it's drawing so near now, yet this last stretch seems but a reach only eternity's fingers can clasp. caring about my current obligations while still here is proving excruciatingly trying. especially when i look to the heavenly forecast my future holds (which i mean both metaphorically as well as literally speaking--see screenshot below)...need it now. need out. everything is about to morph most madly. the threads of my cocoon are unwinding and weaving with the most wonderful specimen my existence has ever witnessed. wound together, yet feeling freer than ever. i cannot even begin to touch how glorious. i'm trying my darnedest to stay attune to the present and my surroundings, but i'm helplessly afloat. my ties to this land have never proven strong, and are now weak as ever. i've mentally drifted since i was a girl. wild that that drift is now in such proximity to reality.

lay me down. the sunset is beautiful crimson blood seeping slowly down my blinds and onto my body. my waning eyelids are shutting. shutting out. lay me down. i am exhausted of this land. this mundane routine. so tired. so i fall down with the crimson blood bathing me until all fades to black. and i may part for a few gracious hours. until again the crimson blood comes to awaken me. and i bite my lip, part my eyes, then continue. but two more months. two more months and her & i will be commencing a rejuvenating journey. visions consuming me. i am anxious and beyond ready.

i loath the days when i don't want to touch existence, but must. all i wish to do right now is sit and shed this old skin smothering me. i need silence. i need solitude. i don't even want to hear my own breathing. though i cannot cease anything, and have a full day of work and interaction with entities entering through the ringing doors which tirelessly disgust me. i loath the waking. i loath well near everything currently. i need to part this place already. enter a new body. a new land. my patience is waning, as is my spirit. i need the altered scenery and fresh mindset. here there is too much reminiscing stinging. reminders everywhere. ghosts everywhere.

lousy lousy lousy. salty drops slipping in a stream of memory and fear down my skin. don't let it hit me. my flesh itches beneath the faulty glistening trails. this is the part that gets me. this is the part that haunts me. this is the part where i can't fall to dream because my mind is too grimy and frail. this is the part where i don't know what to do. so i let my fingers loose to the beating of my blood and hope my bones grow weary and shut my body into forced slumber. i'm   s i n k i n g.   so strangled. so weak. so me. i'd look to the moon, but she's a scar i've cut open far too much to heal. i wish my mamaw's soul were still in a body i could crawl to. it's been near seven years, yet i yearn ever ceaselessly & refuse to remove the black pearl caressing my finger. butterfly and eskimo kisses. FEAR DOWN MY SKIN. this is the part where i don't know what to do.