bob dylan & allen ginsberg at kerouac’s grave--lowell, ma 1975
(photo by ken regan)

i love how my cat curls up on my lap and never leaves.

sally mann--
"at twelve: portraits of young women"

"crow janie, crow janie, crow jane."

self-portrait photograph from my project on death--"help me operator"
(http://www.flickr.com/zoenoelle)

“sometimes i live in the country,
sometimes i live in town
sometimes i take a great notion,
to jump into the river and drown.”
--leadbelly

insomnia: the chronicle.

today
+ woke up at 7 a.m.
+ 8 a.m. read
+ 9 a.m. had a cup of coffee
+ 10 a.m. got dressed
+ 11 a.m. bought film
+ 12 p.m. went to the museum district. went on a nice walk and shot some photos.
+ 1 p.m. went to historical district. went on a nice walk and shot some photos.
+ 2 p.m. went to cvs. developed photos. bought a tiny pot in which to start growing my own herbs. (parsley, sweet basil, and my favorite--cilantro). also bought fizzy strawberry water.
+ 3 p.m. called mumzy and wished her a happy mother's day.
+ 4 p.m. back at apartment. planted seeds. placed pot on window seal. scanned photos.
+ 5 p.m.-currently curled up with my lovely kitty. my little zuzuu <3

photos from today:
http://www.flickr.com/zoenoelle
this was my first time using the pentax k-1000 i inherited from my incredible grandpa. this was a test roll. so i didn't do anything exciting. and the light meter wasn't working so i guessed on everything. think i've got the jist of it now, though.

the river will swallow you.
( http://www.flickr.com/zoenoelle)

the smell of sprinklers on a hot humid night.

"there are many reasons for the death of a man, yet it is impossible to justify his living."--albert camus

my mind is throwing fits. eyes playing tricks. teeth biting lips.
tape won't even stick.
probably because my hands get clammy when i think of you.
or maybe it's because the a.c. has been broke since winter last year, and today's high was 93.
either way, i can't tell. all i know is nothing is working anymore. and you're on mind, incessantly.
can't get the paint to form the right drips. there's no one who wants to knit. the plug in the wall is only for those who would like potential electrocution to commence. the blinds have holes from the cat making the window seal her home. a.c. is broke. the incense makes too much smoke. relationships too much to hold. constant sounds of a buzzing fan and a man who walks in the attic coupled with the t.v.'s constant static.
nothing is ever quiet enough.
nothing is ever quite enough.
all of the roads are rough.
and these city lights make it tough to see the stars and stuff.


goodnight,
xoxo.

i'm over it all.

the footsteps.
they're back.

ten musical artist picks for may:
1. the smiths
2. crystal stilts
3. tampa red
4. broadcast and the focus group
5. cocorosie
6. bob dylan
7. indian jewelry
8. devendra banhart
9. metallic falcons
10. dave van ronk

absolutely cannot listen to this without smiling.

cravingcravingcraving.

accidentally paused a youtube video while the text was in the process of transitioning.
result=this screenshot.
how fitting.

the sound of breathing
right before falling asleep.
black hair on red sheets.

where are you?

cold fingertips.

favorite lucy episode of all time.

i want someone who fills me up like hot milk.

(side note: if gregory corso doesn't come in the mail tomorrow...i will shatter something.)

you will forget me.

today has left my mind a jumbled mess..completely consumed.
and for once, it's in a good way and not school related.

journal writing time.
i've neglected those lovely compiled pages for much too long.

how do you tell someone everything and nothing at the same time?
my attempts are meager.

the microwave just beeped.

i'm making a cup of coffee.
i know i shouldn't drink it at night..
i don't know why, but it makes me feel closer to you.
and if i don't, it's hard to sleep.

i always wonder if you make one, too.

little darling...

don't you see?

i've lost count of how many times i've listened to this.
can't stop.

first post of my new project.
(click here to view)

want one of these so bad.

my dreams lately. i like how things are going there.
it all seems so real. yet so disconnected.

i don't understand how my brain conjures up existences that i've never been in contact with.
never even glimpsed with a slight swoop of the eye.
but i like that it does.

eeeee!! just purchased a book of poems--"the happy birthday of death," by gregory corso (luuuuhv him). cannot wait until it arrives in le mail!

i'm pretty sure i just had a near death experience--still dazed. i am not scared of death.
but i'm so terrified of not being in control. it was like a tug-of-war with my physical being and my soul between here and wherever "there" is.
and it was the most wretched experience of my life.
i would try to explain it--but it would not make sense. it's like those people who see colors that are not even in our spectrum--and we will never understand what they look like simply because we cannot comprehend them existing.
i think when you die, it becomes so jumbled that nothing makes sense, just because it no longer has to.
everything. was. an. oxymoron.

okay...i'm admitting i have a huge guilty pleasure for amy winehouse.
(it's bad.)

i'll always be a subtle girl.

goodnight,
xoxo.

this was today.
and i miss it already.

(recorded in my apartment next to the window by the stairs)

those moments when heartbeats are heavier than the deepest breaths.

my first dabble in the realm of video art.
mostly a test, though.

music: "candyland"--cocorosie

my heart is swelling. slowly. but steady.
like the sea does with the moon.

oh, yes.
yes. yes. yes.

delusive sentiment loiters in lukewarm blood and twisted veins.

so many thoughts i need to write down.
it's killing me that i don't have the time.

until then--goodnight,
xoxo.

seeing these lovely ladies tonight!
just wish it were not on one of the most crammed weekends of my life :

yet another broadcast post. i think this may be my third.
they are just incredible.

mmmmm.

starting some new projects.
http://www.flickr.com/zoenoelle

on repeat.

spring is too overwhelming.
and the waning moon isn't helping.

the trees, they are creaking.
a sound that fills me up.

"clothed in sealace
appeared to me
your mind drifting
with chuckling rubbish
of pearl weed coral and stones;

lifted,and(before my
eyes sinking)inward,fled;softly
your face smile breasts gargled
by death:drowned only

again carefully through deepness to rise
these your wrists
thighs feet hands

poising
to again utterly disappear;
rushing gently swiftly creeping
through my dreams last
night,all of your
body with its spirit floated
(clothed only in

the tide's acute weaving murmur"

--"because i love you)last night," e.e. cummings

searching for you in these twisted lines...
and you will never even know.

ten musical artist picks for april:
1. skip james
2. joanna newsom (she's always a given, i'll include her anyways)
3. cold war kids
4. martha wainwright
5. cocoon
6. the velvet underground
7. mance lipscomb
8. lucinda williams
9. soko
10. st. vincent

"hot milk n' honey"
original song.
would post the lyrics but my computer has gone awry and i'm about to go to bed.
though, if you want to read them, they are on the youtube info spot (not sure what to call it).

eating dinner with rusted spoons.
my head playing all the wrong tunes.

i'm ready to leave,
but don't know how.

don't know now.

je ne sais pas...

come here.

you must be pulling an april fools joke on me.

i feel like this is from some irritating scene in movie
filled with a saturated amount of dramatic irony.

my heartbeats have never shifted so quickly between fast and slow.
i'm going to try to get some sleep.
but with my all consumed mind..well, you know how that goes.

sweetest of dreams,
xoxo.