a man with no shame over my pillow hovering. i am not free, not awake. the old man comes along like shadows and tells me that i may not survive the rubble of her.

that time
when you
liked the
stupid thing
i made
and then
i saw
it sticking
out the
pocket of
your hoodie

this is good,
actually.

this is good.

burning.

“How well I know with what burning intensity you live. You have experienced many lives already, including several you have shared with me - full rich lives from birth to death, and you just have to have these rest periods in between.”

― Anaïs Nin

i found a little part of me that was still the same, but my head was under a pillow. it was a dream. like a feeling you get when you realize you almost choked, but your body coughed it out. the angels are still hangin’ around. they’re still holding you close. waiting for when. ...and don’t speak, they can hear you. it’s happening again.

Courtney Barnett: NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert

I might not know how to begin or how anything ends, but there is something in my mind that beckons to be recognized. Something I have always known, yet do not yet know. I have shook hands with the consciousness that will drive even the most collected of us to bite the ripened succulent fruit of insanity. Dreams deceive such a delicate realness and beads of sweat stamp a puny defeat so with the most insulting and graceful drip to demise.

there's so much sawdust swarming in my mind & my synapses are relentless chainsaws that won't cease. this is a time of passage both within and outside of myself to uncharted experiences. the balance beam is screaming in me, and one side is ready to just utterly collapse. it's been teetering for years, and i'm panicking in anticipation of surrender. i've been trembling, even during the day, afraid the moon is disappointed of my forsaking.

it's 7:15 in the morning. a brisk breeze is sweeping into my bedroom from the open basement window. i can hear a stolen shopping cart being raggedly rolled past in the alley. the wheels on asphalt and the metal clanging & reverberating with each bump until it stops at the next garbage bin. i can almost sense the whiteness of their knuckles as they grip and push through the uneven terrain of urban desolation. unable to see, i can't help but wonder who's madness is behind the cart & how long it's been with them - how much of their madness does that one cart contain? sometimes a cart to wake up with and put my madness into each morning sounds like a remedy. i'm trying to stay clam & listening helps me. there is so much life out there that i'm not living. or even observing. how much "-ness" there is and how tiny of a micro fraction i am. it's strange that no one has the same world, though we all coexist on one planet. even my own life is separated into varying existences and time loops. for instance, my dear stephanie just called me and is stuck in the thick of traffic. even her experience, while lived simultaneously next to mine, is vastly varying. she's calm and has the radio tuned into NPR. hearing her voice grounds me in the most immense permanent way. it's absolute ludicrous upon the sound of it how fast i can crumble to sadness of her vacant presence, even when she's only been gone half an hour. i've never known this. quite frankly, i'm bad at it. with each moment, we have wreathed our souls together, and are evermore eternally entwined. full circle. continuous and capturing. which we have sprinkled salt around and blessed with spells of binding and protection. though, i must soon too construct a separate one within our wreath around my own knowingness in order to cleanse. cognizance is a brutal fate. especially when rapt within a mutated state of delirium. but i'm awakening. and i will compote the waste to build an enriched fertile footing from which to grow.

i've never experienced this much and this little at once.

spirit writing my own horoscope - Monday, May 12, 2014 .

at this time you feel your life. you are particularly attracted to the ideals of a painless, easy way. you are now provided the opportunity to be prepared for sudden shifts. key issues arise becoming involved in some form of projecting your imagination on others. but the probability is higher than you were aware. following the crowd to hide, impatient and rather reckless at times, you experience major unexpected, sudden changes in your dreams. you are also very prone to fantasize about a more perfect idealistic state. at this, probably deceiving yourself. you should not. you are impulsively affectionate and awakened at this time. and the novelty and possibilities for the changes push to consciously initiate them. the only caveat is to keep quite restless, though you are so, so lazy. sometimes a wave of spontaneous, responsive, and creative flows in over and you are inclined to be moved, though be wary of deception from others in life. perhaps more importantly, you believe in unexpected ways. you promise to gain a fresh, more inspired perspective. you tend to project there is a high probability that some people will try to take advantage of the exaggerated and fantastic, then as your own tendency persists, form a great distance to others. you now seek what will not necessarily occur now. also, you may find that you cannot restrain your imagination; let it soar. for this time period sensations of rebelliousness and abrupt changes in adventure await. impulsive decisions that you can regret take an exotic vacation. visit the low point in your ability to reach spiritual aspirations, effectively unveiling an inspiring place. you tend to become seriously disoriented and experience a more imaginative, unstable territory. psychically make major decisions and be weary of any tendency to drink to excess, you are prone to make sudden sadness. you entertain more fantasies than you realize, and easily slip into a disoriented and confused state of mind. even danger zones. be very careful when in a more magical, awe-inspiring world. a way to escape from practical affairs is watching many movies as a used for medical purposes. though may cause emotional upheaval. so be very careful with an urgency now. this is the feel you need to escape from your daily routine and immerse yourself in the very disorienting and confusing. during this time you are likely to find yourself reading fantasy with practical affairs. exciting world. time. you are driven more by sudden intuitions and dreams grip you. you pretend to be very strong at this time, and a stable, predictable. that offers an easy victim of this deception. find yourself.

the expected honk
in the quite void
still startles you -
cowered deep down
(and unwillingly) you've begun morphing
into a manila cocktail of moon,
headlights, and the taxi's own reflection
(which rests hitting your body
with aggravating precision
through your tightly shut
drapes). you have perfected
the act of sinking
on the couch in your head,
which is raggedly outdated
and never replaced
because (memories) - watching,
but unmoving as hours drain
like blood from the sky -
the stars turn to flames
in this infinite vigil 
(brutal is the slaughter
you have grow to know
all too well). abruptly, the screech
of hot rubber, asphalt, and tar,
the sounds of
black on black on black -
it's gone & you don't care
as you walk with cracking ankles
to turn on the stove and make a cup of tea
like a complacent coward - but you rest
easily, because everything
(in this moment) is now
as gone
as you -
yet, amidst the massacre
darkness always wins -
there is a neglected
glister glinting gently
& playing off the whites
of your emptiness 

soft stabbing sound
of a needle
breaking through fabric
swift low whiz
of crimson string
being pulled through
displaying an un-beating
vein embedded body
...can't help but
wish for echos
each stitch craves
homage to remember
the puncture's origins
rests within hands
far too familiar

Joanna Newsom - Ribbon Bows (with lyrics)

you still feel it there. so you dig it out and get it in the palms of your hands. the trashcan is in the other room, and you don't want to. your nose bled only once, like an omen. it haunts you. the anxiety of your body is staring in your face. you wad it up real small so you can hide it. you push it down between the bed and the wall. a soft kleenex stained red. the wetness seeping slowly in as portions begin to disintegrate. you shiver as it vanishes bit by bit, back into your body.

never be certain. everyone's a tragedy. ticking. everyone's a tragedy holding in them the most sacred lonely girl drinking wine. running it over her tongue in small circles to taste so deep. it gets better with age. pouring, sipping, waiting. sipping, pouring, sipping, waiting. it will happen. cyan is ticking. it's the moon's color. it's the color of a lifeless body. the final color of humanity. it's creeping up our fingertips. do we hold pulses or merely ticks?

I was looking for my sketchpad and accidentally found a book with some of Her poetry. I didn't mean to. It was hidden behind one of the boxes I put in a cupboard without unpacking -- which, of course, was filled to the brim with satin warm toned expired photography paper and notes about masculinity vs femininity. I thought it was an old 90's calendar based on the panoramic shape & large white plastic spiraled binding. I was going to flip through for some laughs, but there, on the left page was Her name boldly printed beneath a piece of poetry. My blood rushed. I could feel the tips of my fingers buzzing & slowly swelling into a red pulse with each. My heart beats in the rhythm of Her words. When she gets home, I will hold my hand on her cheek and thank her for existing.

She has a cold. And I get sad so easily. She comes home exhausted and with too many pressures that I wish so badly I had a pause button. She can't think, so we walk through the Seattle drizzle to get a large bowl of veggie Pho on Broadway, then to the store for Rum. We start to watch something funny, but She's too exhausted. She asks me if She can take the Tylenol Cold & Flu medicine we bought, but I say no since we had a couple drinks. And feel really bad. I hate not having control in situations like this. It's so hard not being able to make her better. She turned over to sleep. And I get sad because it's still early and I missed Her all day, but I know she needs it. I'm quiet a minute or two before I hear Her breaths slowly deepening. I kiss Her neck, then write this.

My head hard in the nape of Her. My joints are disintegrating to nothing but Her. Eventually I move my body and feel a slight slide of conscious breath. As if by instinct, before my body creaks like someone you've grown old with, birds have started chirping, I inhale and I pull Her closer into me. I squeeze for Her heartbeat, I listen for Her breathing. The purest pain. And I have no control. My arm right beneath her breasts. I listen. You try to kiss me. I smile, but Every morning, while it's still dark & no body is even fully awake, I turn my neck & almost cry because I'm scared now. I'm scared of what's happening to my body.